Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Excerpts:

THIS IS FICTION
Before: My teacher is mean.
After: "Lina, get over here to the board and answer 10,374 X 687,543!  Everyone else, open up to page googol and start working.  Come on, chop, chop, let's go!  We don't have all day."  Mrs. McGuigan's face was purple, contorted with rage.
As I went to the board, Eli muttered, "This book only has one zillion pages."
"Then get the next volume!" Mrs. M yelled.  She threw a big, far purple book on Eli's desk.
More excerpts:

Before: I hurt myself on a rock at the beach.
After: I went to go get the frisbee, but I tripped and fell on a pointy rock that looked like a tiny cliff.  My right knee sunk into the point and at first, I didn't really feel anything but a few seconds later, it felt like a giant nail and a chisel had been hammered really hard right under my right knee.  It hurt like crazy!  I could see the blood soaking into the sand. - Bradley P.

Before: I fell off my bike.  It hurt.
After: My sister and friends, Ian and Annalise, were biking around Chataqua and there was a big hill near the auditorium.  Lindsay and Annalise were in the auditorium and Ian was gliding down the hill.  'I bet I can do that,' I thought to myself, but boy, was I wrong! - Abby
Here are more samples of the kids' writing:

Before:  My little brother is a pain.
After: "You might think that my little brother is adorable, but think twice before you say that.  He is a little monster.  However, a couple nights ago, my little brother set me up.  I was walking out of the living room and -BOOM-!  Soda went everywhere.  "OMG," I said.  "That was not me!  That was Jacoby!"  - Jayla

Before: I hurt my foot!
After: "One summer day, I was in my backyard with my friend.  We were playing on a tree that wasn't even on our side of our property.... Standing there with my arms up and my legs bent, I leaned forward and jumped!  I was swinging back and forth, back and forth, but what I didn't realize was that there was a big pyramid rock that was shaped like a 3D triangle.  Finally, I jumped down.  Suddenly, I went black!  My hand was under my foot, all I really felt was pain!  I was confused and worried.  I looked down at my hnd and my hand was covered in BRIGHT RED BLOOD!"  - Lina

Before:  It was a nice sunny day so I went out to play, but then my mom called me in.  She said we have to bring Colby in to the vet's.
After: "It was a nice, warm, sunny, gentle day surrounding me.  "Ha ha ha," I giggled.  Up and down, up and down, as I swing then my mom calls me in.
"Em, come in!"
"What?!" I yell.
"Come in," she says.
"OK," I sigh.
As I walk up the hill, I shuffle over to the bird's nest, shoving the blue jay away.  I was pushing baby cardinals out from their nest.  - Emerson